This is me...

I have begun to realize that the more honest I am about myself, the more I can relate to others and them to me. Its comforting to be open. I shared tears w/a complete stranger the other day all bc I dared let her know the REAL me. She was hurting and I hurt for her. And all this 'stuff' just spewed out of me. And I know, without a doubt, she was comforted (even if just slightly) bc I too understood. And it occured to me that we dont do that near often enough. In fact, we HIDE the truth half the time. So, I decided to add to a blog that I had started to write a while back. And decided to share some THINGS about myself that most people dont know. Im doing this as a start. A start to learning how to open up and be real. I'll add things as I think of them but for now, this is April Ward. The April Ward that most people dont know.. :)

I have struggeled with OCD since I was very young. And when I say OCD I dont mean 'oh I freak about locking doors' or 'I like to be clean'..OCD is so much more than that. I think a lot of time ppl use the phrase 'I'm so ocd about..." and it makes me want to scream at them haha Not that I would, but for a brief second I get defensive. Only bc I know the trueness to living a life with OCD. And I know that the people saying that dont MEAN anything by it, but in my head all I can think is 'you have NO idea'. Its a nightmare. And I said struggle bc it is something that I have came to realize is absolutely NOT from God and goes completely against how He wants us to live, yet I still suffer from OCD on most days. It IS a struggle. But Ive made tremendous progress and I know He's still working in me to overcome it.

I love languages. It gives me butterflies to hear someone speaking a different language than me. My favorite of course is FRENCH. But I love most all the others too :) I took french classes for four years in school and took two yrs of spanish. I have wanted to go to Paris since I was a very little girl. And one day, God willing, I'll make it there. Im disappionted at myself that I didnt continue in my studies in the language after high school..but Im currently looking into get back into that. I see the Eiffel Tower in a picture or somewhere and it gets me all excited like a little kid at disney world! It would be a dream come true to be there. See it in person. Visit the Louvre. See the Arc de Triomphe. See the Château de Versailles. And take a boat ride down the Seine. Ahh...my heart could burst just thinking about it! :)

I hate bugs. I cringe just looking at them. Some of them arent as bad as others, yet some make me act like a 2yr old being chased by the boogie man. hahaha Sounds hilarious, but its definitely not when you're me and youre encountering one of these 'creatures'. Its embarassing actually. But, Im on the honestly kick..so...yeah. haha

I over analyze EVERYTHING. Almost every thought, comment by someone else, situation Im in, something I heard, something I saw....its ridiculous really. And I am working on NOT being this way. But my brain just goes and goes and goes....it doesnt know how to turn off. haha

I have had rumors spread about me. Things that were said about me behind my back. Some of which were true, some of it false but they probably took it out of another context, and others of it so very far from the truth that it makes me wonder HOW IN THE HECK they came up w/that and WHY they would want to say such things about anyone...haha Lies told about you. It isnt fun. And can be pretty painful. And Im only saying this bc, I know, Im not the only one. Every single person has had something said behind their back about them, somewhere along the line. You know the truth and God knows the truth. And God knows your heart. So, you must decide to either let it bring you down..trying to put up fronts or PROVE something. OR just rest knowing that it doesnt matter what others say or think about you, what matters is that you and God know the truth. :)

I am SUPER tender hearted. Too tender hearted, Ive been told. But I disagree with that. I dont think thats possible. I am a lover. I love with a love that I didnt know existed before...sometimes I get questioned 'how can you say you love THEM??' and sometimes I myself even have an "I hate them!" moment..but then its only a few seconds that I realize its just my mood/situation..not my heart. I use to not be this way. I use to hate someone for nothing. I would not like/hate someone bc someone said something about that person that I didnt like. haha How silly does that sound? I know this love comes from the One who first loved us. The One who created and loves each individual person ever born. When I think of it this way, how can you NOT love everyone? Sometimes my heart feels like it is literally going to explode with all the love flowing from it. And sometimes this can feel more like a curse than a blessing. I feel like my heart and the love coming from within are too big for this world. Then, when I take a good look around at the evil and pain in this world Im quick to remember, this is not my home. I dont FEEL at home bc this IS NOT my home. :)

I have many desires inside this heart of mine, but the one that has been there the longest, the one that fills my earliest memories is that I have always, ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. Seriously. I have alllwaaayys been a 'kid person'. Growing up I always had to be near, around, touching, holding, caring for the other younger kiddos in the family. Im not sure where it came from except to say thats just how God made me. Things like that, especially from that early on, are something placed within us. And growing up I was always the 'mom' of the group haha! Just ask my sister and my niece (who is only 2ys younger than me..haha) but they'll tell you. I just had the lil moma instincts. They hated it. LOL!!! And the desire is still there. I'd say, besides God's perfect will for my life, its the strongest desire in my heart. I pray that, God willing, He would entrust me enough someday to care for, guide, instruct, and grow a precious little one of my own!!!

This leads to my next 'thing about me'. I have always wanted children. (lots of them..haha!) But it never occured to me that adoption might be an option. When we were little I even remember having this conversatin w/Melanie (who probably doesnt recall it at all, but it always stuck w/me) Melanie: "Im going to adopt, there are so many kids w/out families" and I very clearly remember thinking 'um..no. Im going to HAVE my children'. And that was it. That was how I had pretty much always felt about it. And in the last 5-6 yrs I have felt more and more pulled to adoption. At first it was, "whoa, that IS a good thing"..then it was "That might actually be something Im interested in one day"..then on the night of Winter Jam in Jan 2006 God laid it so heavy on my heart that I "seek to know more and more about adoption" and since that night I have only felt more and more lead to adopt someday!! Its something now that I cant wait to do!!!! As a now single woman, Im not exactly sure how this is going to play out haha BUT I believe with my whole heart that this desire was something that my Savior Himself put into my heart. So, Im trusting in His ways. And NOW Ive been feeling more and more lead to help the orphans in this world. There is so much to do to help, and I dont know where to get started, but I feel God laying it on me to reach out!!! So, Im waiting on the word from Him, and I'll step out!!!!! ((Pray for me please! This is a desire that has been especially heavy on me the last month or so!!)) :)

And, last for tonight, but certainly not least...I have had my heart broken. I know what it feels like to have your plans fail. Your 'future' taken right out from under you. To lose your best friend. To feel as if your very heart was ripped from your chest. To be so confused and doubtful that you cant see anything in the darkness around you. So broken that you cant breathe. Literally. It is a pain that I wish on no one, but know that many people all around are experiencing it every single day. Its something that I still dont understand fully, but have chosen to see it as a path that God has entrusted to me. One that, if I go His way (no matter what comes at me next), can only help, reach, and heal more hearts. Others who have experienced it who just need someone who understands. God has already done something like this with me before and what I thought was 'the end' (as all young girls do haha) after a bad break-up, turned into something beautiful. I was able to help, minister to, guide, and just simply UNDERSTAND more people than I ever imagined possible bc of what God allowed me to go through. And I know, that no matter how things turn out, God can and will do the same with this season of my life as well. :) Keep looking up, He is waiting to do the same for you!!!!!!!