He Never Let's Go.

Matt Redman has a song called "You Never Let Go". 

And this is the story of how God has used
that one song, to transform my life.

It was June. Me and my boyfriend were off to church. I have always been a panicky person. I was dealing with some MAJOR panic issues that only those closest to me knew about. I was worried about EVERYTHING. In the months before I was worried about everything from health issues of family members, to my job, to some relationships between me and some people in my life, and even (and especially) my relationship with my boyfriend. We had all these great plans. And also had people and things that were stopping those plans from coming to life. Neither of us were fully devoted to God and glorifying Him in everything that we did. And I hated that. We knew that was the reason 'our plans' weren't materializing. I also knew that was the reason for a lot of other 'unmaterialized' dreams that were in my heart. So at this specific church service my heart was 'open to touching' so to speak.....and something happened in me. I was so soo tired of trying to make things happen in my life. Worrying about EVERYTHING and thinking (subconsciously) that I had even the slightest control of my family, my relationships, health issues, ANYTHING that happened in and around me. From the time I stepped foot into the church that day I could feel heavy conviction...heavy moving in my heart. I was fighting it. I didn't WANT to give up control. (Do you realize how funny that sounds? I never had control! None of us do.) But somewhere between the first few songs God was working in my heart. Pulling at me. And then.....the band starts playing "You Never Let Go". It broke me. I remember feeling like it was just me and God and my boyfriend in the room. My boyfriend simply put his arm on my back, comforting me, as I cried and pleaded to God in my heart to please forgive the way I haven't put Him first, and to please take my life. To just do whatever was necessary to get me back to that point of love for Him. The point of where nothing and no one is more important that my Savior. The point of where I could hear from Him at any given moment of the day, bc I was so close to Him and so tuned in to His leading. I was tired of trying to fight Him for control. Tired of trying to make things happen on my own, and worrying myself sick with them. The words of that song rang in my head for days to come. "I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear, whom then shall I fear" All that was going on, all that was against me, all that I hated and couldn't control or change....and God is WITH me!!! And if He is really with me...like I KNOW He is...then WHOM or what shall I fear?!!!! I knew leaving the church that day that change was coming. I felt God calming me..."I'm here"...."It's coming, but I'm here". 

That was the last time that me and my boyfriend went to church together. We very very shortly after, broke up. For many many earthly reasons that I could not wrap my mind around. I not only lost my best friend, but I lost all of his family in the process. The family that, for the last 5yrs WAS my family. It was a pain that I can't even begin to describe. Words were said, decisions were made, and my heart was in a million pieces. But while going through that pain, this moment in church....wasn't anywhere present in my brain. It wasn't until heading to work one day (some time after the break up) that I was crying out to God in pain and confusion and asking Him "Where are You?!"..."You showed me one thing, yet You're doing THIS!"....and as sure as I'm writing this, right that very moment on J103 comes THE SONG. Through my speakers I hear "Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me".....My heart broke again that morning, but in a different way. I felt ashamed that I had doubted God in everything that was going on. Like He could care for every aspect of my life, except this..no not this. This was something I had to deal with on my own, right? That kind of thinking is what lead me to this point. Thinking I could have God in every area of my life, but my relationships. Relationships that He blessed and guided me to. He wasn't allowed to be apart of... 

That morning I was FILLED with peace...I was filled with the promise that God WAS in this and He WAS working, even through such a tragic time in my life. I won't lie and say I don't still hurt and I don't mourn over the loss of such  amazing people that have been ripped from my life. But I can say that I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that my God, my Savior and Creator ALLOWED that to happen....was it His perfect way, I doubt it...but since He wasn't number ONE in my life, and I asked Him to help me get Him there...this is the route He took. And He is using it so shape me and is working in the very midst of every detail of the last few months. I had missed several weeks of services at my church and I went back last week w/a friend. (The first time back since the last time I went w/my boyfriend). The service was about 9/11 and about loss and tragedy and everything that was said was all God reaffirming the truths I've been clinging to these past months. The last song they sang before our preacher got up to preach was "You Never Let Go". I could barely stand I was so shaken. I've NEVER had such a powerful, affirming, comforting, moving, amazing 'God moment' in all my life. If someone were watching me, they'd probably think 'man, look at this chick!' haha! But its like I had posted last week that it was as if it were only me and God in the room that night. I have never longed for my Creator so much in all my life. I sang along, best I could through all the tears but this time with such belief and such knowing that defeated anything else on this earth. "And I can see a light, that is coming, for the heart that holds on. And there will be an end, to these troubles, but until that day comes..still I will praise You, still I will praise YOU!" When you have the very heart in your chest ripped away from you...you realize how unimportant so many earthly things are. I've also realized just how BIG my God is. And to live for anything or anyone other than Him, is pointless. We're not promised tomorrow. We're not promised a great life. A nice house. A wonderful family. The best of earthly things. We're not even promised a life free of pain or rejection or sickness or death. But we are promised that our Savior LOVES us, will NEVER leave us, DIED for us so we could live w/Him for all eternity, and works all things together for OUR good (the good of those who love Him). When tragedy comes your way, remember that there's always more to it...there's a big God behind it calling you and loving you. Listen for Him. Reach out to Him. And let Him love you!!!!!