[going to apologize if its a little all over the place...i didn't preplan or have a rough draft haha i just sat down and through a heavy heart and teary eyes wrote what God has been doing in me lately. praying it blesses you as you read!!]
Whoa! Today God CONTINUES to use painful situations
to grow me&my faith/trust in Him!! AND to show me all kinds of truths!!!!!
LOVE His LOVE!!!!
That was my facebook status this morning. It was because of something that happened to me last night. Something that had me crying my eyes out bc of hurt and confusion. Something that had me a little angry at God. Yes, I said it. Anger. And just to be clear, I think it is ok to feel angry sometimes and it is definitely ok to tell God when you feel that way. He already knows it anyway, so go to Him with it. Anyway, last night I cried for a good hour about this new 'thing' that arose. Until I again, laid it down at God's feet and said "I dont understand, and I don't like it...but I'm trusting You with it and I don't want to hold onto it any longer" This morning God gave me a COMPLETELY different outlook on the situation. He actually used it to help guide me and direct me in a different situation in my life. (Love when He does that!) Anyway, that was my status update. I was thrilled, excited, happy! and wanted to share that. That God could (and does) use the painful for good (yet again!). I was in such a happy 'nothings gonna get me down' mood! However, just a few short hours later and I got a phone call that Daddy was sick and throwing up. The chemo has started affecting him already. My dad, has not thrown up in the past 26yrs I've known him. True story. And to hear that today, broke me. I have heard about chemo and its affects for years. And even talked w/my family about them recently. But to have to live them, nothing could've prepared me for that. I started to sob. And then the sobbing turned to panic. I had trouble breathing thinking of my dad and the strong man that I've always known him to be....sick and throwing up. And thinking of all the 'what ifs' that I could conjure up in my head. Just as I felt I would collapse from the intense pain and fright I called on my Savior to help and to calm me. And almost immediately the hands that felt like they were around my throat were removed. As I went on the rest of the work day there were still some moments I would tear up and I most definitely didn't stop thinking about Dad...but the intense pain and worry was gone. (and if you know me at all, I'm a worrier...that being gone could ONLY have came from God) So I'm here again. Back and forth. Its a constant roller coaster. Bad thing happens, I am broken, God shows me the good in it. I get excited. Bad thing happens, I'm broken again, God shows me the good. Its been a cycle now for months. Too many things to list that have been in this 'cycle'. And though some trials/tests may take longer to see the good, I WILL keep finding good, because my God is in this. In every detail. And I WILL keep praising His name!!!! No matter how many more trials or tests come my way or how much longer this season lasts. Today I was consumed with a newness of life. A sense of THIS IS WHAT ITS ABOUT. Life isn't about us. It isn't about what we have or don't have. It's not about what we can do or can't do or what can be done for us. We are here ONLY bc of a loving God who created us to love us and for us to love Him in return. [which He doesn't force us to do..but leaves us with that choice] We're here to find and know that love....to share that love and to further His kingdom. Want to know God's plan for your life...that's it. Love God first and seek His kingdom and show other's His light so that they may enter the Kingdom too. I had such a realization today that life is life. And God is the only One who never changes. He won't leave you, won't reject you, won't get sick, won't die, won't betray you....you're not guaranteed that with anyone or anything else on this earth. And to KNOW that truth and His amazing unconditional love for you....it's life changing. And to have things being stripped away from you left and right...it's life changing too. You can let it destroy you. Or you can let it reveal even MORE of God's plan. That you absolutely can not hold onto any earthly thing. You can try, but it can be taken from you in the blink of an eye. I have been a Christian for 8yrs and have believed in God and asked Him to 'use me'...today I realized it's not about being used. It's about using what God gives you to be changed for Him...changed in a way that He HAS to shine through you. That there is no more of you left to say 'no' or 'but I want this.." but to just be so emptied out so you can be filled with Him......I want to thank Jake M for writing me about this song earlier today. I came home and watched this video and this girl has it too. She knows what its really all about. I've been told its nice you still have such a strong faith 'inspite of your circumstances'...but in reality, I'm ashamed it took these circumstances to have such strong faith. Listen to the words of this song and be blessed. I'm praying for you all tonight and always!!!!! Love love love you guys!!!
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