Goodbye 2010..

"We've been so much more
thankful for what we have,
because of what we almost lost"
-Matt Hammitt♥

2010. Im not really sure what to say about this year...or how I feel about it. Bc there are soo many different feelings toward it. It was definately an eventful year for me. God used it to change and shape me in many different ways. A lot of ways I was far from happy about, but after seeing His work...I am thankful for every single bit of it. I turned 25 this year. And for some reason I had a REALLY hard time with that. (Ok, this blog is another open&honest blog from April that may/may not leave you saying 'whhhaat?!' lol depending on how well you know me:) I am not one to get 'depressed'...but I think it was the realization of I'm getting old...and that none of the things that APRIL had planned to be, were in existence. I had all these 'plans' for my life and they included things such as graduating college, teaching, traveling the world, being married, and being a mommy. I was  being down on what I didn't have and not looking AT ALL to what all God HAS blessed me with. Bc in reality, I'm not ready for ALL of those things right now. Obviously. Bc God knows that too, which is why they've not happened yet. (It's all on His perfect timing!) It was just the age number that made me THINK I was missing out on those things. I very verry quickly learned to never take for granted all that you DO have and to stop looking at all the things you don't. Shortly (very shortly) after my 25th birthday my life started to change in ways that I wasn't the least bit prepared for. I lost 4 pets within a week of each other, one being one of my favorite cats in all the world. Smokey. He was mine from just a few wks old, another one I cared for and bottle fed and raised. He was the most loving cat. And was soooo pretty!!!! Chad found him at his work with two other kittens (that I also raised..one I gave to my little cousins the other just disappeared earlier in the year..) but Smokey was my favorite. He was always dying for attention, which he got LOTS of. He would climb your leg just to get you to pick him up. Never met a cat like him before. He had his own unique personality and I loved him soo much!!!! One rainy day Chad and I were heading to my house and came upon a cat laying lifeless in the road...it was my Smokey. At first I was sooo angry that I had to SEE it..that I had to KNOW what happened to him..he couldn't have just 'disappeared' like my other animals. I can't believe all the anger that flowed from me that day...But now Im thankful that I do know and that he got to be put to rest in a proper spot in my back yard, right next to the best most loving dog anyone could ever have. ♥

Just 2 weeks later I had my heart broken. Things had ended between me and my boyfriend..my best friend of 4yrs. Just in an instant. I can't describe the pain I experienced during the next 5 months. I solely got through bc of my Lord and Savior!!! Not sure I've expressed in detail about those days on here but it was nothing short of God and His love that got me through that time. From the outside I'm sure I looked fine and looked like the always happy April. But it hurt to be awake. My entire body hurt from the inside...I honestly don't know how to put into words the amount of saddness that I felt. My very best friend had been removed from my life all together and some days I couldn't breathe it hurt so bad. I turned to God and knew (clung to the promise) that He had me in His hands and that I was going to be ok. I have NEVER had to rely on faith so much before. I had prayed about this relationship years ago, before ever entering into it, and God gave the green light. So to have had this happen to me was sooo confusing. I was starting to doubt, and way too much. But I continued to lean on and trust in Christ and knew that things would work out for ME the way that He wanted them too. No matter what. Two weeks after the breakup I was out driving (one thing I do to clear my head and just be alone) and started to get down on all that had become of my life in just the past few weeks. I was driving, crying and talking to God. Then, I passed a house in my neighborhood with a sign stuck on the mail box that said "free kittens" and I almost pulled in. I literally sat in the road debating on what to do haha...Thinking a cute furry kitten was just what I needed :) But instead I decided to wait..mainly bc my parents would KILL ME if I showed up with ANOTHER animal lol! But after passing the driveway I prayed out loud in my car something just like this "Ok, God if YOU want me to have a kitten, then YOU will put one in my path. Nothing/nobody can stop THAT...so if You want me to have one, Im trusting You'll make it happen, and You'd send just the right kitten" :) That very night I was sitting on my couch watching Grey's Anatomy and my Dad walked in the front door and said "would you come here a minute..Ive got something to show you" and to my suprise I walked around my house to see a stray cat with TWO baby kittens in our flower garden!!!!!!! I almost hit the ground in awe!! lol It was one of those 'God moments' when you get those 'God chills'! :) And a few wks later something happened to one of the kittens annndd long story short, I adopted the other kitten when she was 2 1/2 wks old. I kept saying how much she looked like my Smokey and that he was probably the daddy, hence why momma cat was hanging around my house. But now that she is 7months old, I know without a shadow of a doubt that she IS Smokey's baby. THAT is why God had me wait...he sent me the most perfect kitten in the whole world!! AND she is sooo much like Smokey in so many ways. I swear its like its the same cat sometimes. She has his personality plus a lil prissy-ness hahaha She greets me every day when I pull into my driveway and get out of my car, just like a dog haha She loves me so much!! She is the most treasured animal and I love her with all my heart and still thank God for her every single day!! She is also a reminder to me that GOD's ways are perfect!!!!! ♥ 

This summer was insanely crazy for me. (Baby Kitty helped me keep MY sanity) I experienced sooo much. I swear at the time I described it as drowning slowly. The water was rising and I was going under and I didnt know how to stay afloat. In the summer alone I knew 15people who passed away. I literally was at the funeral home almost every week for I don't know how long. THAT spoke to me in volumes. It had me thinking. A LOT. And doubting things yet again. I was so torn by this world and the things of it, yet clinging helplessly, as if my life depended onit (and it did) onto my God. And He made a way!!!!!!! ♥

 Chad and I (the ended relationship) had started talking again midsummer, bc we couldn't just not know how the other one was...I'm telling you, true best friends always work things out. And after talking, some things came out in the open that left me speechless. Lots of things. Things that I didn't know how to deal with. We knew we'd always remain friends...thats just who we are. We were the best of freinds for a whole year and a half before things progressed into a relationship. Even then we couldn't go but a few days without talking to each other. There's a bond between us that can't be broken. We have always been drawn to each other like something I can't explain and even if we weren't together, we'd still be there for each other and care for and love each other. Always. So as time went on I had to learn to be open to all that was coming from this. (And there was LOTS!) He means the world to me and so does his happiness...and I know it's the same on his end. As the next few months rolled by..(slowwwwly for me) things changed with us and it was evident that we just weren't happy being apart. We (GOD) changed so much about ourselves in those 5months and both grew up. We prayerfully decided to give us another shot. And it still blows my mind at all that God did and used during this whole process. He DOES use it all...even the BAD & the UGLY!!! I've had to learn to forgive on a level that I never wanted to...and I'm still learning to an extent (bc I believe forgiveness has to start in the heart but sometimes it too much for us and God has to help you along the way). A certain 'situation' that has sort of always been there for us was finally put to rest. THAT too was all part of God's plan...whether we like it or not things have to happen sometimes to bring better things along!!! And I'm soo thankful God knows it all!!! We both are so much more respectful of each other and our relationship this time around. The quote at the top sums up all of my year. Something changes inside and you just become overflowed with thanks when you realize what can/might be taken away from you. And that isn't just in the sense of a relationship...lives can be taken. YOUR LIFE can be taken. You just never know what or who isn't going to be here tomorrow. It changes your whole outlook. ♥

 I got my first tattoo this year. (another 2010 moment). And it was bc of all the craziness. I have wanted a tattoo for about 2yrs now but nothing seemed fitting enough to get permantly put onto my body. But after the chaos that was most of my year, I was learning (trying to anyway) to give my plans and steps over to God. Bc never have I had such an eye opening experience before. THINGS DON'T ALWAYS GO AS YOU WANT THEM TO, OR AS THEY'RE PLANNED TO. BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE, ITS CALLED LIFE ON EARTH. I kept hearing God tell me over and over (reassuring me) that this place of death, loss and heartache isn't my true home. HEAVEN is my forever home. My eternal home with my Heavenly Father!!! THAT is what we were made for, not all of this!!!! And so as I kept clinging to that promise it became apparent to me that THAT is something worth remembering forever, not just during this season of my life. So I started praying about possibly getting something along those lines as a tattoo. NOTW was something that popped into my head and its actually a symbol for a company who I already loved (and own a ton of stuff from lol) but it stands for Not Of This World. One night debating the tattoo, I prayed for peace about it, bc I couldn't put something permantley on me w/out a peace about it (Im already the most indecisive person alive, so this was got to be an 'I know 100% this is what I'm suppose to get' kind of deal lol!) That very night my Bible study was on John17:14-17 and after the study I read all of Chapter 17 in my Bible and was completely blown away.

John17:16 says:
"For they are not of the world,
just as I am not of the world"

..and all of chapter 17 moved me to tears...as Jesus, knowing what was about to happen to himself, prayed for others!!!!! AND this ISN'T my home!!!! We have a better, perfect, place prepared for us if we will just stick it out, waiting on and trusting in, following and loving our Creator!!!!! It just had me gripped and moved me soo much!! I knew right then, thats a PERFECT reminder to always have with me. :) So, a few days later (it might actually have been the next day haha I cant remember) I went and got my first tattoo. I have NOTW tattooed on my foot and its a constant reminder of all I've experienced and the true lesson that this world IS NOT my home. I LOVE it!! I've already been able to use it to share Christ and my story. Awesomeness!! :) ♥

Another awesome event I can say happened in 2010 is I was able to meet up with two of my long lost cousins. I've blogged about my cousin Andy before....but since his passing, things with his uncle and my aunt didnt work out and they divorced. He had two sisters who were also apart of our lives and we spent a lot of time together when we were little (my favorite was the going to mcdonalds memories:) and after the split we never heard from or saw them again. Well, that was probably 13yrs ago or so....the oldest, Kara, added me on facebook a few wks ago and I knew immediately when I saw the name on my friend request who it was. I, honestly, teared up a bit. I picked the phone up and called my mom immediately! I was so excited!!!! We talked later that night online and then her sister added me as well! My aunt has talked about those girls all this time and has wondered how they were....they shortly after, they added her on facebook and she was sooo ecstatic!!!! They both had wanted to check up on each other all this time!! They set up a lunch date and we all went and met up....God is sooo good. It simply leaves me in awe at the way He works!!!! ♥

Anyway, I know this post is extremely long and probably all over the place (thats my life for ya lol) but it feels really good to get it all out!! To tell the story of the craziest year of my life!!!! Well...most of it anyway. To let all others know that no matter how bad it gets, GOD IS IN CONTROL!!!! If you will just cling to and trust in Him, HE'LL SEE YOU THROUGH IT ALL!!!! I promise!!!! Here's to 2010 and all the tears, happiness, change, growing, molding and love that it brought me. And to 2011, a year that is destined to be amazing in itself bc I have a God that loves me and will NEVER leave me!!!!!!!!

Praying you all have a most blessed new year!!!!!!

Thanks for following me!!!! I love you all!!
God bless!!!
♥AW